Enough is Enough (Waiting, Part 2)

I started this post about 10 different times, and never felt it was right. I couldn't get the words I wanted to say, I didn't feel like God was speaking to me, and I was frustrated.

That pretty much sums up this past week.

And now, I realize why he was doing that. He's showing me I'm supposed to write this through all the mess. If I only wrote on "good days", I would never get anything done. And, I would never learn anything.

If we never view ourselves as enough, and if we let that paralyze us, we will never fulfill everything God has for us.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

We all have moments we don't feel like we're enough. That's life. It may sound harsh, but let me tell you how I've fallen short so you don't feel alone.

I failed a quiz today. I'm planning on taking a gap year and I have no idea what I'm going to do during it. I don't know when or where I'm going to grad school. I don't have straight A's. I have friendships and relationships that have crashed and burned. I have regrets, and I have pain. Life has tried to beat me down, and there are times I let it.

I fluctuate with God daily, sometimes so close to him I feel I can hear his breath within me, and other times so far away I don't even know how to initiate finding him again.

I sin daily, and I'm fallen. I wasn't enough for certain people to want to stay in my life, and I've pushed others away.

I'm lost, and sinking quickly in this description of all my shortcomings.

I am not enough.

But wait, aren't we taught that we are enough? Isn't it actually, "I am enough", just like all those t-shirts and devotionals say?

I'm here to tell you, you aren't enough.

The Bible says in Romans 3:23, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." We fall short. As depressing as that is, there is hope found in more verses than I can put into one blog post about God being enough.

And with him, all things are possible. Here are just a couple:

And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.

(Acts 4:12)

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From everlasting to everlasting you are God.

(Psalm 90:2)

Who am I to wonder, am I enough? And who am I to think I'm enough apart from God, the author and perfecter of our faith? He is the one who knows the plans he has for me, he spoke and the world came into being, he is the Word and the great I Am. And, he is beyond comprehension.

And me? I am but a speck of dust on the timeline of eternity.

So, I think we are all aware we are not enough, and God is more than enough. But, a question remains that I still struggle to answer: How am I enough for this incredible, all-powerful, eternal God? I am the farthest from worthy.

This, my friends, is where grace and mercy intercede on our behalf. They are embodied in Christ Jesus' sacrifice on the cross.

The unmerited favor of grace would not be grace by definition if we deserved it. We don't deserve it, and that's what makes this gift so incredible.

Ok so, if we know we are not enough, and God is more than enough, and we are enough for him through the grace of Jesus, I just have one last question for you all.

Why do we turn around and say what God gives us isn't enough? Think about that for a second. Do you ever get angry with God for not giving you what you think you deserve? I know I do. Why did God give people I love diseases, and no cure? Why do loved ones have to leave us? Why was I not athletically good enough? Why didn't I get that job, and why am I incapable of reaching certain goals? Why won't God take it all away?

But, why did God give me life, and not others? Why am I currently breathing, at an incredible school, and about to graduate? What right did I have to have a beautiful, whole, loving family? Why am I so incredibly blessed, and why do I not realize and be thankful for it?

I don't know if you've ever been there, standing between two completely opposite perspectives, and wondering why God gives you the good and the bad. Why does he give us anything at all?

And honestly, why is that not enough for us, as unworthy as we are?

Enough is enough.

Your enough is enough.

That's all.

And his enough is enough for us.

DTI

The River of Life, or the Swamp? (Waiting, Part 1)

Would you rather have fresh, flowing creek water, or swamp water that's been sitting in a tundra divot for weeks?

Obviously, you want fresh water. So do I. But, in a literal sense, there was a moment not long ago that swamp water looked pretty good. It was a point I never imagined I'd reach.

We never think we'll be that far, but when we get there, all we can think about is quenching our thirst, not what happens afterward.

So before I start connecting this to the water of life God gives us, I need to tell a story. About a month ago, my dad and I went on a hunt. I'll skip the thrilling tale of our spotting and stalking a moose, and go right to the part after we were done cleaning and gutting my 60", 5 brow tine beauty.

It had been hot day full of walking and sitting in the heat, and we hadn't drank or ate anything for about 10 hours. When it was 6pm and we were ready to set back for camp, a 3 mile trek through rivers and swamps, we were beyond spent.

Getting back to camp was probably the hardest thing we've ever set out to accomplish.  We were dehydrated and hungry, and started getting delirious. We were nowhere near a trail, and started stumbling in the direction we thought was camp.

About 30 minutes into walking, I started hyperventilating. I was carrying a 60 lbs. pack, thirsty and hungry, and my vision was starting to spin. I needed water soon, or else we were about to have an emergency situation. So, we stopped, listened for the sound of water, and started in that direction. We dropped the meat we had, and walked as fast as our exhausted selves could, with reckless abandon, toward the sound of that water.

Along the way, if I'm being honest, that dirty swamp water I was stepping in with my bloody, gut covered boots looked really good. At one point, I even asked my dad how bad it could be to have one sip. Thankfully, he reminded me how terrible of an idea that was. But in the span of time we walked from the kill site to the creek, I contemplated drinking that swamp water more times than I can count.

When we finally got to the creek, I jumped in, shoes and all. I got soaked, and could not stop drinking the water that was bringing life back to my bones. Everything changed in that moment. I could take another step, I could breathe again, my vision was back, and I knew it was all going to be ok, no matter how long it took to get back to camp.

We did get back, over 3 hours later. But I will never forget that moment the fresh water hit my mouth. However, I didn't see how it related to my relationship with God until today at church.

That walk is our lives, and that water is what God has in store for us. The swamp water along the way is all the temptations and paths in our lives that lead us away from God. In our moments of spiritual strength, we know those are not good for us and lead to death. But, in the moments of weakness, that swamp water looks good. It looks like survival, and we convince ourselves that it's what is best for us.

We're all struggling and fighting to survive in this life. There are times we're lost, spent, losing focus, and there's no rest in sight. In that moment, we are defined. Do we give up and drink the swamp water? Or do we keep fighting, hold on, and trust that the fresh water is just around the corner?

Will you wait for what God has for you, or give up and settle for what you think is best for yourself, that ultimately leads to death?

That moment we reach the water is priceless. Fight to stay conscious, drop the load, and search for the living water with reckless abandon.

"Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." (John 4:13)

I don't know about you, but I want that water.

DTI

3 Strikes, I'm Out.

Today was my first day as just a student.

We finished our season this last weekend, getting the at-large bid to regionals but falling short in the tournament.

This was my third season with Whitworth, and my last.

I don't remember a time when I wasn't playing a sport, especially softball. I have played baseball or softball since I was 5, so I am physically incapable of remembering a time before the sport I love. It has been a part of my daily life for 16 years.

And now, it's time to say goodbye.

This sport has given me so much, but it's also taken away. Up until college, I loved the game but had a hard time on certain teams, with specific teammates and coaches. It's not worth reflecting on those times, but I just try to remember the good and fun moments.

Then, two coaches at Whitworth University took a chance on me.

They didn't have to take me onto their team. I was a no-name from Anchorage, Alaska, definitely not the softball capital of America. I had to play baseball growing up because there was no softball around in my part of town until high school. Eventually, I asked to play for another district and made the switch. And I'm so glad I did.

Softball has taught me so much. On the surface, it's taught me hard work, discipline, and passion. It's taught me how to stick to something, improve, and never be satisfied with settling. It's taught me to always have goals and to work toward something better. It's taught me how to deal with failure, how to react to it, and how to celebrate successes. It's taught me how to lose, how to win, and how to be ok with where I'm at, and where I hope to be.

Softball truly changed my life the day I came to Whitworth.

I can attribute softball to introducing me to my best friends here. They are my support, my family, and my social life. Now, I even live with 4 of them and I know they always have my back, on and off the field. They were the first to accept me as a person 3 years ago, and they are the first to accept my decision. I appreciate this more than they will ever know.

The main reason I'm giving up the game is because it's time. It's time to focus on my academics, reset my priorities, and turn the page to a new chapter. And I can't even begin to explain how excited I am.

This next step is huge. I get to do research, take some amazing classes, have the time to do my absolute best in them, and apply to pharmacy school. I also get the time to figure out if that's for sure what I want to do, since I never had the time to sit and process if that's still the career path I want.

On the surface, it makes sense. School is the reason I'm here, and now is the time to work my hardest at it.

But there's so much more than just the surface, as we all know.

I am done with the game. It has attacked my spirit, my soul, and my love and passion for it. Each year, I asked God what to do and he distinctly said to come back, to take it one year at a time. I thought my team needed me.

But, I needed them more.

I had struggled all this year with my decision for next year as well. But this time, God said that no matter what I pick, as long as I never stop pursuing him, it won't matter where I go. He will go ahead.

That started the process of me trying to figure out what I really wanted from all this. And now I know. It's time to walk away from the game.

I thank God every moment for the peace of mind and the security in knowing it's time. I'm so glad I don't feel like my time was cut short. I'd much rather feel exhausted and spent by softball than be upset it ended too soon.

That's not to say I wasn't upset. I was a train wreck yesterday. It was the worst day in a long time. I felt like a part of me was gone, and I didn't know how to identify myself.

But, as always, God said just what I needed to hear.

Whether I play or not, whether I'm an athlete or just a student, or just Nikki, I am his child. I am his daughter. And no matter what career I have, no matter what activities I do, the way I play, how well I do in school or whether I succeed doesn't change for a second the person I am.

I know softball has made me a better person over the last 3 years. And just like my coach said, that is the definition of success.

Softball has been a success. It doesn't matter I'm terminating my career a year early, the benefits I achieved from it are beyond the field.

I was crying in my car after the games, and it hit me that I would never have another coach again.

But then, as always, God said exactly what I needed to hear:

"I've always been your coach. And I always will be."

Keep coaching me God, through this life. Thank you for being the best one I've ever had. And keep reminding me, as long as I'm successful in your eyes, that is more than enough.

As I walked away from the field into the research conference that was happening on campus just after our games, I couldn't help but feel like I was walking away from my past and into my future.

I have no clue what it will look like. But man, I could not be more excited.

The best part is, I get to take my best friend, coach, and Father with me.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

I'm grabbing that plan and running full force into the future. I can't wait for the next adventure with you, Lord.

DTI

A List of Things I Learned in Guatemala

As many of you may know from numerous photo spams on Facebook feeds, I went to Guatemala for the month of January. I can't believe it's already over after applying, crying over my acceptance, and preparing for a year. I can chalk it up to being one of the greatest highlights of college, and my life.

I learned a lot down there, more than I can put into just a few paragraphs. But I figured a list would make it more clear cut and organized, not to mention comprehendible.

Here it is:

1. Underneath all the differences, we are all the same at the end of the day.

Ok, that's it.

Actually, I starting writing a list of things I learned, got to 20, and I stopped. I realized they could all be summed up into this one statement.

This trip was extremely hard for me. I felt like I stuck out. I felt awkward. I felt horrible for not being up to date with their history, and I learned some heartbreaking things. My own beliefs and convictions were greatly challenged, and a few positions I held were shattered.

I would go home, sit at the table with my family, listening and speaking in a language not native to me, and would be so overwhelmed.

At first, it was not a good overwhelmed. I felt so inadequate. I couldn't communicate, and I felt like I couldn't understand not only their language but their culture.

But I sat there at dinner every night, and after the first couple days, conversations came easier. Laughter filled the house, and their smiles were the best part of my day. For a month, I was their daugher. And that was the greatest honor I could've ever been given.

One night, I felt like I was drowning. But this time, I was overwhelmed with love.

These people are God's children. Guatemala is God's country. He created it with my family in mind.
He created it for each one of them, knowing them fully. He knows their language and their culture.

And for the first time, I think I got a glimpse of God's love for humanity.

 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8).

We are all the same. We are his children, and so loved by a God I can't even begin to comprehend. There is no greater love. He is immense. He is indescribable.

He put that family in my life, and I can never say thank you enough.

The last night there, each person said a goodbye. After they all went, it was my turn.

Once again, I didn't have the words, but I didn't need them. I just knew. And I know they did too.

I just pray that every day, I see the world a little more like Jesus does. It's not easy, but no one said this life was easy. I know for a fact that trip wasn't, and if you ever want to know more, please shoot me a message. I'd love to talk about it.

That was a life-changing trip, but whether I decide to let it change my lives is up to me. Remind me each day, Lord, of the amazing promises and prayers you fulfilled and answered there. Use it to change me.

That way, maybe we can change the world in turn, one small step at a time.

"Over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." (Colossians 3:14)

Cerro de la Cruz, Antigua

DTI