Enough is Enough (Waiting, Part 2)

I started this post about 10 different times, and never felt it was right. I couldn't get the words I wanted to say, I didn't feel like God was speaking to me, and I was frustrated.

That pretty much sums up this past week.

And now, I realize why he was doing that. He's showing me I'm supposed to write this through all the mess. If I only wrote on "good days", I would never get anything done. And, I would never learn anything.

If we never view ourselves as enough, and if we let that paralyze us, we will never fulfill everything God has for us.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

We all have moments we don't feel like we're enough. That's life. It may sound harsh, but let me tell you how I've fallen short so you don't feel alone.

I failed a quiz today. I'm planning on taking a gap year and I have no idea what I'm going to do during it. I don't know when or where I'm going to grad school. I don't have straight A's. I have friendships and relationships that have crashed and burned. I have regrets, and I have pain. Life has tried to beat me down, and there are times I let it.

I fluctuate with God daily, sometimes so close to him I feel I can hear his breath within me, and other times so far away I don't even know how to initiate finding him again.

I sin daily, and I'm fallen. I wasn't enough for certain people to want to stay in my life, and I've pushed others away.

I'm lost, and sinking quickly in this description of all my shortcomings.

I am not enough.

But wait, aren't we taught that we are enough? Isn't it actually, "I am enough", just like all those t-shirts and devotionals say?

I'm here to tell you, you aren't enough.

The Bible says in Romans 3:23, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." We fall short. As depressing as that is, there is hope found in more verses than I can put into one blog post about God being enough.

And with him, all things are possible. Here are just a couple:

And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.

(Acts 4:12)

--------

From everlasting to everlasting you are God.

(Psalm 90:2)

Who am I to wonder, am I enough? And who am I to think I'm enough apart from God, the author and perfecter of our faith? He is the one who knows the plans he has for me, he spoke and the world came into being, he is the Word and the great I Am. And, he is beyond comprehension.

And me? I am but a speck of dust on the timeline of eternity.

So, I think we are all aware we are not enough, and God is more than enough. But, a question remains that I still struggle to answer: How am I enough for this incredible, all-powerful, eternal God? I am the farthest from worthy.

This, my friends, is where grace and mercy intercede on our behalf. They are embodied in Christ Jesus' sacrifice on the cross.

The unmerited favor of grace would not be grace by definition if we deserved it. We don't deserve it, and that's what makes this gift so incredible.

Ok so, if we know we are not enough, and God is more than enough, and we are enough for him through the grace of Jesus, I just have one last question for you all.

Why do we turn around and say what God gives us isn't enough? Think about that for a second. Do you ever get angry with God for not giving you what you think you deserve? I know I do. Why did God give people I love diseases, and no cure? Why do loved ones have to leave us? Why was I not athletically good enough? Why didn't I get that job, and why am I incapable of reaching certain goals? Why won't God take it all away?

But, why did God give me life, and not others? Why am I currently breathing, at an incredible school, and about to graduate? What right did I have to have a beautiful, whole, loving family? Why am I so incredibly blessed, and why do I not realize and be thankful for it?

I don't know if you've ever been there, standing between two completely opposite perspectives, and wondering why God gives you the good and the bad. Why does he give us anything at all?

And honestly, why is that not enough for us, as unworthy as we are?

Enough is enough.

Your enough is enough.

That's all.

And his enough is enough for us.

DTI

The River of Life, or the Swamp? (Waiting, Part 1)

Would you rather have fresh, flowing creek water, or swamp water that's been sitting in a tundra divot for weeks?

Obviously, you want fresh water. So do I. But, in a literal sense, there was a moment not long ago that swamp water looked pretty good. It was a point I never imagined I'd reach.

We never think we'll be that far, but when we get there, all we can think about is quenching our thirst, not what happens afterward.

So before I start connecting this to the water of life God gives us, I need to tell a story. About a month ago, my dad and I went on a hunt. I'll skip the thrilling tale of our spotting and stalking a moose, and go right to the part after we were done cleaning and gutting my 60", 5 brow tine beauty.

It had been hot day full of walking and sitting in the heat, and we hadn't drank or ate anything for about 10 hours. When it was 6pm and we were ready to set back for camp, a 3 mile trek through rivers and swamps, we were beyond spent.

Getting back to camp was probably the hardest thing we've ever set out to accomplish.  We were dehydrated and hungry, and started getting delirious. We were nowhere near a trail, and started stumbling in the direction we thought was camp.

About 30 minutes into walking, I started hyperventilating. I was carrying a 60 lbs. pack, thirsty and hungry, and my vision was starting to spin. I needed water soon, or else we were about to have an emergency situation. So, we stopped, listened for the sound of water, and started in that direction. We dropped the meat we had, and walked as fast as our exhausted selves could, with reckless abandon, toward the sound of that water.

Along the way, if I'm being honest, that dirty swamp water I was stepping in with my bloody, gut covered boots looked really good. At one point, I even asked my dad how bad it could be to have one sip. Thankfully, he reminded me how terrible of an idea that was. But in the span of time we walked from the kill site to the creek, I contemplated drinking that swamp water more times than I can count.

When we finally got to the creek, I jumped in, shoes and all. I got soaked, and could not stop drinking the water that was bringing life back to my bones. Everything changed in that moment. I could take another step, I could breathe again, my vision was back, and I knew it was all going to be ok, no matter how long it took to get back to camp.

We did get back, over 3 hours later. But I will never forget that moment the fresh water hit my mouth. However, I didn't see how it related to my relationship with God until today at church.

That walk is our lives, and that water is what God has in store for us. The swamp water along the way is all the temptations and paths in our lives that lead us away from God. In our moments of spiritual strength, we know those are not good for us and lead to death. But, in the moments of weakness, that swamp water looks good. It looks like survival, and we convince ourselves that it's what is best for us.

We're all struggling and fighting to survive in this life. There are times we're lost, spent, losing focus, and there's no rest in sight. In that moment, we are defined. Do we give up and drink the swamp water? Or do we keep fighting, hold on, and trust that the fresh water is just around the corner?

Will you wait for what God has for you, or give up and settle for what you think is best for yourself, that ultimately leads to death?

That moment we reach the water is priceless. Fight to stay conscious, drop the load, and search for the living water with reckless abandon.

"Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." (John 4:13)

I don't know about you, but I want that water.

DTI

3 Strikes, I'm Out.

Today was my first day as just a student.

We finished our season this last weekend, getting the at-large bid to regionals but falling short in the tournament.

This was my third season with Whitworth, and my last.

I don't remember a time when I wasn't playing a sport, especially softball. I have played baseball or softball since I was 5, so I am physically incapable of remembering a time before the sport I love. It has been a part of my daily life for 16 years.

And now, it's time to say goodbye.

This sport has given me so much, but it's also taken away. Up until college, I loved the game but had a hard time on certain teams, with specific teammates and coaches. It's not worth reflecting on those times, but I just try to remember the good and fun moments.

Then, two coaches at Whitworth University took a chance on me.

They didn't have to take me onto their team. I was a no-name from Anchorage, Alaska, definitely not the softball capital of America. I had to play baseball growing up because there was no softball around in my part of town until high school. Eventually, I asked to play for another district and made the switch. And I'm so glad I did.

Softball has taught me so much. On the surface, it's taught me hard work, discipline, and passion. It's taught me how to stick to something, improve, and never be satisfied with settling. It's taught me to always have goals and to work toward something better. It's taught me how to deal with failure, how to react to it, and how to celebrate successes. It's taught me how to lose, how to win, and how to be ok with where I'm at, and where I hope to be.

Softball truly changed my life the day I came to Whitworth.

I can attribute softball to introducing me to my best friends here. They are my support, my family, and my social life. Now, I even live with 4 of them and I know they always have my back, on and off the field. They were the first to accept me as a person 3 years ago, and they are the first to accept my decision. I appreciate this more than they will ever know.

The main reason I'm giving up the game is because it's time. It's time to focus on my academics, reset my priorities, and turn the page to a new chapter. And I can't even begin to explain how excited I am.

This next step is huge. I get to do research, take some amazing classes, have the time to do my absolute best in them, and apply to pharmacy school. I also get the time to figure out if that's for sure what I want to do, since I never had the time to sit and process if that's still the career path I want.

On the surface, it makes sense. School is the reason I'm here, and now is the time to work my hardest at it.

But there's so much more than just the surface, as we all know.

I am done with the game. It has attacked my spirit, my soul, and my love and passion for it. Each year, I asked God what to do and he distinctly said to come back, to take it one year at a time. I thought my team needed me.

But, I needed them more.

I had struggled all this year with my decision for next year as well. But this time, God said that no matter what I pick, as long as I never stop pursuing him, it won't matter where I go. He will go ahead.

That started the process of me trying to figure out what I really wanted from all this. And now I know. It's time to walk away from the game.

I thank God every moment for the peace of mind and the security in knowing it's time. I'm so glad I don't feel like my time was cut short. I'd much rather feel exhausted and spent by softball than be upset it ended too soon.

That's not to say I wasn't upset. I was a train wreck yesterday. It was the worst day in a long time. I felt like a part of me was gone, and I didn't know how to identify myself.

But, as always, God said just what I needed to hear.

Whether I play or not, whether I'm an athlete or just a student, or just Nikki, I am his child. I am his daughter. And no matter what career I have, no matter what activities I do, the way I play, how well I do in school or whether I succeed doesn't change for a second the person I am.

I know softball has made me a better person over the last 3 years. And just like my coach said, that is the definition of success.

Softball has been a success. It doesn't matter I'm terminating my career a year early, the benefits I achieved from it are beyond the field.

I was crying in my car after the games, and it hit me that I would never have another coach again.

But then, as always, God said exactly what I needed to hear:

"I've always been your coach. And I always will be."

Keep coaching me God, through this life. Thank you for being the best one I've ever had. And keep reminding me, as long as I'm successful in your eyes, that is more than enough.

As I walked away from the field into the research conference that was happening on campus just after our games, I couldn't help but feel like I was walking away from my past and into my future.

I have no clue what it will look like. But man, I could not be more excited.

The best part is, I get to take my best friend, coach, and Father with me.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

I'm grabbing that plan and running full force into the future. I can't wait for the next adventure with you, Lord.

DTI

A List of Things I Learned in Guatemala

As many of you may know from numerous photo spams on Facebook feeds, I went to Guatemala for the month of January. I can't believe it's already over after applying, crying over my acceptance, and preparing for a year. I can chalk it up to being one of the greatest highlights of college, and my life.

I learned a lot down there, more than I can put into just a few paragraphs. But I figured a list would make it more clear cut and organized, not to mention comprehendible.

Here it is:

1. Underneath all the differences, we are all the same at the end of the day.

Ok, that's it.

Actually, I starting writing a list of things I learned, got to 20, and I stopped. I realized they could all be summed up into this one statement.

This trip was extremely hard for me. I felt like I stuck out. I felt awkward. I felt horrible for not being up to date with their history, and I learned some heartbreaking things. My own beliefs and convictions were greatly challenged, and a few positions I held were shattered.

I would go home, sit at the table with my family, listening and speaking in a language not native to me, and would be so overwhelmed.

At first, it was not a good overwhelmed. I felt so inadequate. I couldn't communicate, and I felt like I couldn't understand not only their language but their culture.

But I sat there at dinner every night, and after the first couple days, conversations came easier. Laughter filled the house, and their smiles were the best part of my day. For a month, I was their daugher. And that was the greatest honor I could've ever been given.

One night, I felt like I was drowning. But this time, I was overwhelmed with love.

These people are God's children. Guatemala is God's country. He created it with my family in mind.
He created it for each one of them, knowing them fully. He knows their language and their culture.

And for the first time, I think I got a glimpse of God's love for humanity.

 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8).

We are all the same. We are his children, and so loved by a God I can't even begin to comprehend. There is no greater love. He is immense. He is indescribable.

He put that family in my life, and I can never say thank you enough.

The last night there, each person said a goodbye. After they all went, it was my turn.

Once again, I didn't have the words, but I didn't need them. I just knew. And I know they did too.

I just pray that every day, I see the world a little more like Jesus does. It's not easy, but no one said this life was easy. I know for a fact that trip wasn't, and if you ever want to know more, please shoot me a message. I'd love to talk about it.

That was a life-changing trip, but whether I decide to let it change my lives is up to me. Remind me each day, Lord, of the amazing promises and prayers you fulfilled and answered there. Use it to change me.

That way, maybe we can change the world in turn, one small step at a time.

"Over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." (Colossians 3:14)

Cerro de la Cruz, Antigua

DTI

If Hope is the Anchor, then Faith is the Action

I want to talk today about trust and hope.

Have you ever really trusted someone? Have you ever known that he or she would never let you down, no matter what and that person was always there?

Typically, in this world, that follows with disappointment and regret.

Today, we talked about awakening to regret. We are in a 5 week series about Finding Your Way Back to God.

First, there is an awakening to longing, a longing that nothing in this world can satisfy and was designed to lead us to God.

This past week, that longing has overwhelmed me.

I sat and listened to Heaven Song by Phil Wickham daily, realizing the awakening of longing in my heart.

"I want to run on greener pastures, I want to dance on higher hills
I want to drink from sweeter waters, in the misty morning chill
And my soul is getting restless, for the place where I belong
I can't wait to join the angels
And sing my heaven song."

This desire is striking.

I'm longing for something I've never had. I want for a place I've never seen, and a God I've only heard and felt.

Think for a second how much trust that takes.

We trust that there is a God, who loves us so much He has prepared a place for us. We trust that believing in Him is all it takes to get there, and we trust that we are placed on this earth with a purpose and a plan.

Now, reread those last 2 sentences and replace the word trust with hope.

We hope that there is a God, who loves us so much He has prepared a place for us. We hope that believing in Him is all it takes to get there, and we hope that we are placed on this earth with a purpose and plan.

How has that sentence changed for you?

Trust leads to hope. Trust is the foundation of hope.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure..." (Hebrews 6:19).

If hope is the anchor, then trust is the action of throwing that hope overboard.

Something that I have discovered is that this anchor can sink in to a multitude of things.

I honestly have thrown my hope at so many people, places, and things. Every time, they didn't hold and I drifted.

But here's the difference: I pulled that anchor right back in and hurled it at God.

With Christ as my salvation, I'm not lost at sea. I know exactly where to throw it, I just choose not to sometimes.

What God has shown me these past few months is that he is not mad I threw it at other things. All I felt was love when I realized my mistakes, adjusted my thinking, and cast it all on Him.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1).

At True Hope, my church, our pastor challenged us to make a bet on God.

"God, if you are real, make yourself real to me."

I have believed in God my entire life, but I still took that bet. He challenged us to pursue God wholeheartedly, whether you believe in Him or not, and bet that it would be impossible for our lives not to change.

This week, a new aspect was added:

"God, if you are real, make yourself real to me. Awaken in me the possibility that with you I could start over again."

He won't reveal Himself to us, then do nothing. If we are willing, He'll reveal Himself and then rock our world.

I challenge you to take that bet, and see if He changes your life. I know He will.

He has with me, and is every second.

Keep throwing that anchor at him, and hold fast to Him as the waves pass by.

"Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10).

DTI

Count Your Many Blessings...

I had prayer journals growing up, but I found myself either tripping over the words or not keeping up with the prayers as they flowed from my mind. I gave up, and just prayed out loud. This is great, but it's also great having something to look back on as a reminder of God's goodness.

So I started a prayer journal, listing things I am thankful for. Whether I'm having a good day, or a bad one, when I start writing everything I can think of for that day, I forget about everything else. The whole day melts away and suddenly, I realize I have a full page!

My awesome roommate is the one who suggested keeping a journal like this at the beginning of the summer, and these are the amazing ways God has changed me in only a few weeks.

1. I see everything in a different light.
Instead of being depressed on a rainy day, I go for a run and see rain for what it is: a giver of life. Plants are greener, the sky is bluer, and the sun is warmer after a rainy day. This is much like the trials in our life. We appreciate the good days much more after the bad ones pass. And when they come again, we hold on to the good ones. This is why God gives us both.
But, I also stop and think about why I love rain. The feeling of water fresh on my face, the smell of rainfall and the breeze kissing my face are beyond compare. It is a beauty that has been unveiled these past few weeks because everything seems different with a grateful heart.

2. I notice the little things, especially those we take for granted.
For example, here are a couple quotes from my journal:
"For my literacy, that I can read and enjoy books."
"Baseball games on Tuesday nights."
"The physical and mental capacity to work hard."
"For my steady happiness and security in who I am, ultimately who I am in God."
These are things I have never put into words before, and looking back on each day I see how truly blessed I am. And, there are so many daily things, there are not enough pages to express them all. I'm thankful for that too. It's something we don't realize, and take for granted.

3. I feel an overwhelming, surprising, crazy joy.
I can be sitting in a car on a long drive, and think to myself "what will I be thankful for today, to write in my journal?" I look around, and am attacked like a wave crashing over me with everything I see that I love my God for more and more. I can't explain it in words, but there are moments I feel like God reaches down, breathes into me, and holds tight to my heart whispering words of love. It is a raw joy at the core of my being that I can now attribute to why I get through trials. I never identified it before, but it is thankfulness and gratitude to a faithful God that sought me out. That is my joy.

4. I can see God clearer, and He's closer than ever.
Sometimes (honestly, most of the time) I don't understand what God's up to. But, just as Isaiah 55:9 states, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Who am I to understand the Alpha and the Omega? But, I can see Him in every single moment when I realize how much I have to be thankful for. I can understand that I may not know what he's up to, but I can see that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28). A trust that is not of this world has been instilled, and I'm not letting go.

5. I can feel the negative weight of this world fading away.
When I look at everything I'm thankful for, and these are only God's earthly blessings, I am secure and confident. I am optimistic, and so in love with my amazing Creator that nothing else matters. I see trials, and I know God's got it. I see persecution, hardship, loss, tears, sorrow, and pain, and I know that someday it will all be wiped clean. The blessings we have today are only tiny, minuscule glimpses of the vast amount God has in store for us. Like Peter, we must keep our eyes locked on him. Don't look at the waves, the negativity, the weight of this heavy world. Lock our eyes, and we won't sink.

Thankfulness is one of the strongest, most natural forms of worship. Our God is a jealous God, one that desires us to seek His heart and give Him praise alone. In being thankful, we honor God in one of the most perfect ways possible.

I never expected to get any of this out of a gratitude journal, and these are only the things for which I could find the words. There is so much more. I encourage you to start. It doesn't have to be much, just one or two sentences at the end of the day. I started that way, and realized I could never write everything I'm thankful for in two sentences. Pages later, I only can begin to record his awesome blessings.

This prayer journal has been a blessing in and of itself, and I'm thankful for it.

DTI

Inspired to Imitate

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

And yes, I did do my hair and makeup for this picture just to make as similar a copy of 1989 as I could. But it is obviously not the same.

Entire industries are built off this principle of copying. It is the foundation celebrities stand on. People long to be trendsetters, and establish their careers and following this way.

We all see the famous in the news. They influence our clothing, style, pictures, and activities. Then, their influence becomes so ingrained, we think their ideas are our original thoughts.

Growing up, I hated when someone would copy me. When someone dressed like I did, talked like I did, or followed me around, it would drive me insane. I didn't understand why people acted this way, and I wanted to be original. Yet at the same time, I found myself wishing I was like other people around me.

We all imitate each other, yet we desire to be unique. This tension follows us wherever we go; a balancing act between being ourselves, yet fitting in. Just like this picture, we strive to look like one another, and at the same time try to put our own twist on it. Then, we call it "original".

There was only one special, original, unique person to have walked this earth, and is supposed to be our inspiration for imitation. Jesus Christ imitated God fully, yet was the incarnation of the Almighty. He was both, and exemplified it perfectly.

That is why we strive to be original, but also imitate at the same time. It is at the core of our nature to not understand the dichotomy between the two.

"Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children." (Ephesians 5:1).

In the same way we imitate our parents due to their great influence throughout our years, God should be at the top of that influence and our role model each and every second of our lives. He should be so ingrained in our hearts and minds, striving to be more like him would be second nature.

But, imitation is not the original and it falls short every single time. As much as we try to look and dress like our role models and celebrities, play like our professional athletes, sing and perform like artists and actors, we aren't them.

In the same way, we are created in God's image, but we are no where near where he is and never will be.

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face." (1 Corinthians 13:12)

The whole point of our existence is to imitate God and someday be reconciled with him, the author and perfecter of our faith.

So what does this look like? Jesus told us himself that we must keep the commandments, love one another, above all love God, and give all we have to those who lack (Matthew 19). The gospels are a great place to start, because Jesus lived out the perfection of God and laid out the perfect example of how we as followers of God are to impact the world.

Although it is not clear to us now, someday it will be. In the meantime, we can do our best to imitate the great I Am, knowing we will come short every time, but also knowing his grace will meet us right where we are.

DTI